The influence parents can have on their children from birth through adulthood isn't new to child psychologists and possibly every book ever published on raising children. It doesn't sink in, however, until you see the results yourself and can correlate those means to the ends.
I've written about my own mother's impact before, so I'll simply add one more quick observation. Her selflessness was evident in the precious time she devoted to her children, and it brought her joy. And the concomitant creativity she shared with the four of us taught us how to be creative as well. I became a teacher, a hat maker, a baker, a gardener, a writer. My siblings developed their own thriving businesses.
There's a word that best describes this principle of unselfish devotion to the welfare of others: altruism (and the adjective altruistic). After a long journey from Latin (alter huic--to this other) to Italian (altrui--somebody else) to French (altruisme), it finally settled down as the English word altruism. It applies to people who put others first, those who think of the wellbeing of others, sometimes at their own expense. Does this mean altruistic people feel that they don't deserve the same treatment? No, it makes people who are generally secure with themselves feel good about helping others. There is even research that indicates that people who have a propensity to altruism have a larger and more active amygdala, the part of the brain essential to feeling and perceiving emotions. Whether this is true or not, we all can learn to be more altruistic if we set aside the time--also excellent Zen behavior that is essential for good emotional and physical health. Here's a beginning:
1. Choose kindness.
2. Help others whenever you can. Be open to seeing a need.
3. Accept joy each time it comes your way. Being joyful and grateful for your blessings will become a habit.
I've had my share of teachers who have devoted unpaid time to their students to prepare them for competitions, but I know of one particular teacher whose methods have changed her students' lives for good for many years. She teachers ESL, English as a Second Language, in a high school in Houston, Texas, and her students come to her from every corner of the world. They speak Spanish, French, Vietnamese, Chinese, Swahili, Arabic, Farsi, Yoruba, to name a few. Some are undocumented and some live in the city while their parents remain in their home countries. This teacher sees front and center what her students' ticket to survival is: learning English as quickly as possible. Many of these teenagers work long hours after school and need to be fluent in English. Their financial situations are sometimes a concern as well. This teacher allows access to a coffee maker and snacks in her classroom, she directs them to possible solutions to problems outside the classroom--the ones often generated by insufficient language. She encourages students to never give up their dream of receiving a diploma and possibly enrolling at a community college, but what the students appreciate more than anything is the current speed at which she has them reading, writing, and speaking English.
What makes this behavior altruistic? The teacher puts the planning, the creativity, the technology, and the attention to these young people first. She spent a year in an administrative position in her school district but stepped back into the classroom the next year to be of greater help to the students. I observed her classroom one day when students were doing oral presentations to accompany their slide shows. They were poised and proud as they demonstrated their new knowledge of not only technology but the English language. Most had been afraid to speak but all returned to their seats smiling at the accomplishment. Now students return each year to this teacher with thanks and praise for the life-changing language they learned in her classroom.
But, let's return to the influence parents can have on their own children regarding altruism. How can parents instill habits of kindness, helping others, and making joy a habit? The answer is simple but it takes years to develop, and develop it must preferably from early childhood. There's much truth to the old saying, children live what they learn and learn what they live. Kindness, however, doesn't mean absence of discipline. Discipline that is fair, that teaches children the tenets of character development certainly qualifies as kindness. Children who observe their parents helping others on a regular basis evolve as altruistic people, even more so when they are the recipients themselves. A child who consistently watches a parent devote time to him or her not only feels loved but also learns how to behave in the same altruistic way.
Wildlife researchers have documented animal altruism--dolphins helping others in need, a leopard caring for a baby baboon, dolphins guiding beached whales back to safety or warding off sharks from swimmers. And dogs aren't called man's best friend for nothing. Even cats with their cheeky, pompous reputations can offer the comfort humans need in times of loneliness or even crisis. If animals can demonstrate altruistic behavior, surely humans can, too.
We live in a time of uncertainty, a time in which a pandemic threatened to shut down the world, a time that left so many of us in a fog that we became divided and distrustful of each other. Today more than ever we need altruism, and it's a choice that can return us to civility.
